(legless Drunk)
THE SUNDAY AGE
Saturday June 19, 1993
Legless drunk A 75-year-old man known as Uncle Apple, convicted of driving his wheelchair while drunk, has been ordered off the road unless accompanied by a ``sober assistant". A magistrate in Montagu, east of Cape Town, imposed the restriction on Oom ``Appeltjie" (Uncle Apple) Hartzenberg, who said he had drunk two bottles of wine when arrested. Hartzenberg, who has had both legs amputated, said he could not understand the fuss. ``I'm as harmless as a little child and don't drink to cause trouble," he said.
Better fed than red British Labour MP ``Red Ken" Livingstone has taken up a new campaign: eating for socialism. The former Greater London Council leader has been appointed restaurant critic of `Esquire' magazine, and says his monthly column ``has a vital role to play in convincing the British people that the good life and socialism are not incompatible".
Recycles Japan wants to give its thousands of abandoned bicycles to pedestrian postmen in developing nations. Local authorities removed nearly two million bicycles left on their streets in 1990, official figures show. The postal ministry is considering donating them to developing nations in Asia where they could be used to deliver the mail.
A Major release...
British Prime Minister John Major, whose popularity is at a record low, has turned to a ``giggle clinic" to cheer himself up, the `Daily Mirror' reported this week. Psychotherapist Robert Holden told the paper that Mr Major's personal secretary had asked for details of his clinic, which teaches people how to combat stress by having a good laugh. ``Major could do with a spell at one of my laughter clinics," Mr Holden said. ``He comes across as completely humorless." His first advice for Mr Major would be to try ``transcendental chuckling" _ sitting cross-legged in front of his wife Norma and a mirror and laughing for two minutes for no reason whatsoever.
A new journal in Russia is offering tips on how to stay out of trouble and stay alive for people who can't stay sober. The `Samara Drunkard', launched in the Russian Volga city of Samara, appeals to the interests, tastes and lifestyle of the hard-drinking citizen, Itar-Tass news agency said. The first issue offered advice on how readers should behave in police custody and how to avoid poisoning from the various brands of home-made ``moonshine" touted in the city.
© 1993 THE SUNDAY AGE