Nice Little Urners

Newcastle Herald

Saturday October 28, 2006

with Robert Dillon

IN years gone by, it was generally assumed that Australia's cricket selectors could drag 11 legless drunks out of the nearest pub to perform the time-honoured ritual of thrashing the Poms.

But after last year's humbling Ashes series loss in England, the men who distribute the Baggy Greens appear to be running scared.

First, chairman of selectors Trevor Hohns handed in his notice, and then Allan Border decided playing beach cricket was an easier way to earn his Fourex than trying to pick a team to win back the Auld Urn.

Mark Waugh, Michael Slater, Ian Healy and Damien Fleming have all knocked back the chance to replace AB on the panel.

But fear not, cricket tragics, all is under control.

Without wanting to honk my own horn (you should know by now that's not my style) I can reveal that Cricket Australia officials contacted me recently, asking if I was available to fill the vacancy.

Prior commitments namely writing this column precluded me from accepting a full-time position, but I agreed to take on a consultancy role.

My first move was to recommend the euthanasia of Simon Katich from the one-day side.

This was the most humane decision for all concerned. Fair dinkum, watching the Kat scratching around in recent times has been about as entertaining as watching mould grow.

After contacting Katich personally to offer a few sympathetic words "Have you considered retiring?" I turned my attention to our Ashes XI.

Matty Hayden will naturally be the first opener picked, but some psychological fine-tuning may be required after his disappointing haul in England last year. All he needs to do is pretend Andy Caddick and Darren Gough are taking the new rock for England that should put him in the right frame of mind.

Hayden's little mate Justin Langer aka the Brown-Nosed Gnome is surely nearing his use-by date and already appears spooked by the sizeable shadow of Phil Jaques looming up behind him. But what worries me is that if the Gnome was axed, Haydos would sulk.

I say give the Gnome two Tests if he doesn't deliver then his marathon innings is over.

First drop and captain will, of course, be Ricky Ponting, our best batsman since Bradman and, just quietly, long overdue for a Test triple-century.

Damien Martyn is the incumbent Test No.4, and his record suggests he deserves to be retained. But frankly, like a right-handed Michael Bevan, he's just too boring. It's time to give him the flick and slot Jaques a run machine in any form of the game in at Marto's expense.

At No.5 comes another converted opener, Michael Hussey, who would have been mighty handy against the Poms last time around.

The No.6 spot goes to the great pretender, Shane Watson, whose only real claim to fame thus far is Jeff Thomson's assessment of his ability: "He's not an all-rounder's arsehole."

Nonetheless, there hasn't been an all-rounder's arsehole sighted in Australian cricket for decades, and unfortunately Watto is as close as we get.

I reckon give him a full series. If he doesn't aim up, he can find a new career . . . possibly by joining all those other sporting has-beens on Dancing With The Stars.

Adam Gilchrist will obviously take the gloves, but someone needs to have a quiet word to him about his habit of "walking" when he's nicked one behind. It's just not on.

Warney, Bing Lee and Ooh Aah McGrath are walk-up starts as our bowling spearheads, leaving one spot still open to a trundler.

Dizzy Gillespie's treatment at the hands of Kevin Pietersen last year rules him out.

Nathan Bracken would be a chance but somehow I can't see how he's going to fit that Barbie-doll hairstyle under a Baggy Green.

Stuart Clark's first four Tests (21 wickets at 18.7) have been almost too good to be true especially when you consider his career stats at first-class level (223 wickets at 29.9).

I reckon a reality check is just around the corner . . . don't call us, Stuey, we'll call you.

That brings us to Mitchell Johnson and the ticking time bomb, Stuey MacGill.

Fresh from knocking over the likes of Lara, Tendulkar, Dravid and Pietersen in one-dayers, Johnson deserves a Test start providing he loses that piece of jewellery protruding from his chin.

That leaves Magilla to simmer away as the world's angriest drinks waiter and net bowler, at least until he is called into action for the Adelaide and Sydney Tests.

So there you have it the squad to win back the Ashes. Too easy. If only Cricket Australia had asked for my advice last year.

© 2006 Newcastle Herald

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